Tiny Tiny Things

I am very easily irritated recently, maybe hormonal imbalance or something. I don't know. I can get very frustrated over small issues even as tiny as a needle hole. I know that this isn't good, and I shouldn't be so. I know that this would affect my daily "mood". But sometimes, I just couldn't help it. And I mean I tried to ignore, but sometimes, it just seems to be such a bug, bugging over me.

I seldom want to write emotional things, anger, daily issues of tiny tiny things ...... on my blog although I know not many people read this blog. Who the hell care what happens in your life, right? I don't even bother to read people's diary online. But, I have a feel to write this down today. Yes, indeed, when I look back in some days (mind you, not even years, but maybe just tomorrow when I read back) I would already start to think I was acting so childishly and immaturely.

I have to admit that I am a sensitive girl and even to the extend of "small gas" (小气) over certain things/issues. However, I am a person who is quite "forgetful". In a few days time, I won't quite remember why I/we get quarrel. Ok, but obviously I will know that we did quarrel. I am a little bit slow to react in an argument. For example, "You see, last time you ..." Then I will "Yes, I did...." But in usual cases, people remembered and normally answer "You think you last time didn't..." See this is where arguments start and somehow people will find a solution usually, because it is usually a 0-0/1-1 situation, as both are at faults, or maybe not.

But as for my case, I usually remember that "You last time..." like in hours later after the argument. It's not that I purposely kept reminding myself about a certain small issue, but you know just like ordinary people, sometimes you just can't help but the things seems to linger around the whole day. (And I am not trying to be a History teacher, I know how irritating it would be to repeat a thing over and over again even as the years went by. But these are the "tactics" people are using.) Or maybe hours later, then in my mind, I will think "S***, I should tell the fella ..."

You don't need to remind me that arguments over tiny "芝麻绿豆" issues will not help to improve the situation. But seriously, when you look back in your life, it is these tiny "芝麻绿豆" issues that have shaped and formed your life. A simple "thank you", "sorry", greetings etc will sometimes make up a person's day.

Sometimes, when I sense an argument that might take place and might not lead us to anywhere near solution, I will just pretend like "I don't get what you mean." then switch the topic. Or maybe even like "strucked" by some other people's topic and join in the second discussion. Why make a big fuss over small issues? Some people may think that this is not a good way of solution. But, seriously, I think if it's a small issue or issues like "an egg or a chicken" stuffs, which will lead to no end, why should we waste time commenting/argue over it? And in the end some words during the "discussion" leads to both sides getting black faces or even creating an uneasy atmosphere to not only the person involved but even to people around you. You know how strong those "black aura" can be sometimes. Hahaha. So what's the point of continuing the discussion?

I feel guilty easily, I have to admit. And sometimes, in a discussion or arguments, I get so guilty after it, even though it may be such a minor thing. I don't know whether it's normal. But I will be thinking over it, "Geez, I shouldn't do that!" or "Why did I say that?" So then I have made my own mood so low throughout the day(s). I know this is very unhealthy, but it's something like consciousness in me after some arguments, even sometimes I am not at fault. Ok, listen, I know sometimes I am at fault. But just face it, it's not always me only, k?

I think I seldom take revenge in any form and address the action of mine/others as "they deserve it". Ok, don't start to bombard me with "Yeah, you think so!" , "There that time hor, you..." , "Not even once???!!!" and the list goes on and on... (As though many people read my article and give comments hahaha. Maybe only me alone :D) See, the word SELDOM there??? But as compared to others in general, I think people around me would have to say "yes".

Lately in class, I tend to be silent and give less comments, because I don't want conflict.s I hate conflicts and worse still, I am bad, super duper bad in confrontations. I am not trying to pretend like those poor weak victims, like nobody wants to help me sort of person. The truth is, in usual daily life where there is no Tribal council as in Survivors, usually to "win" a confrontation is to be fierce enough (Fast if not fierce enough hahaha). Face it, it is so. Stop cheating yourself with "You will see in the long run". The weak is usually eliminated first, right? Look at the nature's hierarchy. Look at our social hierarchy. Life is never fair. Tiger and the hare, life is such most of the time. Ok, don't come up with the story of The Rabbit & The Tortoise. It's called FABLES! It's a moral story for encouragement when you are still small and young.

Many would say that it is all these quarreling/arguments/discussion etc that makes the friendship stronger. But somehow, I have to disagree to a certain extend. (Yeah, a little bit is good but not too much). But I have to say it is also these quarreling/arguments/discussion etc that had created a crack in any types of relationships. And sometimes, these cracks aren't mendable leaving a trace that is forever there.

I am hard-headed, I couldn't disagree. I am a taurus, so blame the horoscope, not me LOL.

I am trying to learn, to grow and to mature. But I seem to be learning so slow, acting still so childishly. I don't know. Maybe I am considered very much lucky for not needing to fuss over too big an issue that I have to much time to waste on small issues. I am happy that I am still care by many (But all my silly little actions and reactions may annoy many away as the years gone by) and I am thankful for that. But I seriously need somewhere to spill it out after some small small issues that has been accumulating here deep under.

I used to cry a lot and easily. But over the years, I have managed to "cut down" the frequency and controlling the tears much better compared to before. I have the tendency to keep things to myself, and that is really bad, because this may be the timed bomb that may explode in me, sometime in the future. And the worst part, maybe, I would only hurt myself in the end. Or maybe not? But just a dead volcano??? But anyhow, it's is a burden psychologically. I have to learn to open up and stop lingering over small issues (although most of the time, it's all these small issues that make up our day) I need to put in more time and concentration to important things in my life (Darn, and I am still blogging! Guess, something is easily said than done and maybe that's the criteria which makes a person more successful than others)

Maybe this is the place I would write down my feelings. Maybe this is where I should be pouring out when I find it hard to speak up. This may be a cowardly act but you would never know how hard it is to be able to find someone to talk to sometimes especially over some microscopical issues. But, I feel good after writing this, feeling more relief and find myself childish and finally get a sense of what went wrong. But don't worry, if those person involved happened to stumble upon this piece, and are still reading, I would protect your identity. LOL (as though I am writing some huge piece of highly confidential information.) And don't worry, I still treasure you as a friend. Yeah, I know it's contradicting --- to write a "diary" on a blog is like entertainment news creating gossips/rumours, yet I expect people to not worry and mind. But I bet, unless you know the issue, you still can't figure out what tiny issue took place, or have you? And if you stumble on sometime later, you and I may not even remember what occurred, right?

Ok, time for some serious studies. Take care, my feelings, let the sadness be gone with the wind...